It has been a while since I've blogged. Let's just say the last time was when Trent was 8 weeks old, and he's about to be 12 weeks old in 2 days! Time sure is flying by. I go back to work on November 14th already. I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I've been at work. It doesn't seem like that much time has gone by, but it really has. I've been going places with Trent after I drop Chase off at school just to get out of the house. It's nice to not be cooped up anymore and he has been getting easier by the day. I don't want to jinx it but he really has just been the most amazing baby. At first he was really difficult, especially when I compared him with how easy going Chase was..but really Trent is much easier. For the last week, Trent has been waking up only once in the middle of the night. Some times he doesn't wake up at all and sleeps 11-12 hours! Chase has NEVER done that as a baby. He was always every 2-3 hours on the dot. Especially at first. Finally when he got older, like 6-9 months he was only waking up once. Trent is such a sweet baby, he's always smiling and laughing until he chokes on his spit. The only thing he doesn't do well is sleep during the day, but that's okay with me. He does cry when he's tired instead of just drifting off to sleep. I notice that he's a lot more sensitive to noise than Chase was. Trent get's startled easily. I think they are going to have really different personalities when they grow older.
Now, onto Chase...where do I begin. He has been so difficult. He is the sweetest boy, but he has these major mood swings and just this attitude, about absolutely nothing. I must admit he's not as bad as most kids..but that doesn't make it okay. I can't stand it. Some times, I feel so frustrated and out of patience that I question myself as a mother. Is it just me and my low tolerance? Am I a bad mom because I can't stand it and get frustrated? Am I mean for being so harsh and disciplining him so strictly? I really don't cut him any slack AT ALL. That's the thing though, I feel like he's at that age where he's just testing me..I know he's testing me. I feel like cutting him slack is exactly what he's looking for because then he knows he can get away with stuff. Especially when he give me attitude or throws a tantrum over nothing. For example, the other morning he wakes up and he's asking for milk. He usually calls it water anyways but he was actually saying
"nilk." So when he comes to me as I'm getting it ready for him he starts calling it water again and I'm handing it to him and I just say, aww buddy it's milk. You were just saying it the right way! You can just see it when he's starting to get upset. You can see his whole body language change and just you sense it that he's about to throw a tantrum. That really ticked me off. I go, Chase..why are you giving me attitude right now? I didn't do anything to you and I'm not mad. I was just saying that you were calling it milk earlier and that was good. He starts the whole turns his back, swings his arms..acts like he doesn't want it anymore. So I tell him, if you don't want it then don't drink it. I put it down on the table.
He's just been that way, about the littlest thing. Changing his diaper, cleaning up his toys, sitting down for breakfast. Usually though, after about 15 minutes of a tantrum throwing, he'll come up to me and say sorry mama then hug me and do as he's asked. My thing is, why are you upset to begin with? It's like I wake up and we fight, trust me that's not how I want to start my morning. Getting an attitude from you because I need to change your diaper, or getting an attitude and arguing with you about breakfast. I don't want to fight with you just as we are ready to head out the door because you won't clean up your toys! I stand strong on my words. If he doesn't clean up his toys, we don't leave the house. He stands in time out until he cleans it up. If it gets really bad, I tell him that's fine I'll clean it up but you don't get to play with your toys the rest of the day or tomorrow. Part of playing with your toys are to clean it up as well. I know he's just doing some of the stuff to test me. To get a rise out of me. Especially the changing diaper thing. It's pretty frustrating because every morning I as he's eating breakfast, I step outside to the patio and drink my coffee just so I can wake up and cool down from being so upset already. Then I feel bad for getting so upset because I know he's just a child. I know that he won't hold on to this, but I probably will longer than he does cuz it just builds up. Do other moms gets as frustrated as I do? Do they let it affect them as much as it affects me? Because I feel like some times, it's so much of these tantrums back to back that it's hard for me to just be like, okay well you apologized so I'm not irritated anymore.
On another note, I start work again soon which can be a good and bad thing. It's good because, I need to work. I'm not one to stay home. I feel like a waste of my brain. I think it will give me my sanity back because I do get that break away from the kids and I live a more normal schedule life. On the downside, daycare for Trent, gas money, the commute to and from SD every day is going to take a toll on me and the family. Daycare is expensive. I'm envious of those who don't have to pay for daycare because they have a relative or family member that can watch their kids. A friend of mine gets free daycare for her 3 kids because she works at the school. Now doesn't that sound awesome?!? Then again, I don't think I could work at a daycare so props to her. I don't know how people can have multiple kids and live decent. I know Brandon and I make decent money compared to a lot of people. How is it that we're so broke compared to people that have more kids than us?!? I was really hoping that if I found a decent paying job up here, it would be the end of our worries. That I wouldn't be spending over $500 a month on just gas alone. That maybe I wouldn't be spending 3 hours of my day in a car. That maybe those 3 hours could be spent with my family. That I don't have to use the lil bit of free time at night and in the mornings before I go to work preparing dinner for the family. Rush home only to spend maybe 3-4 hours with the kids before I go to sleep just to wake up at 5am and do it all over again. If you really think about how many hours you have in a day to do things, 3 hours is really a lot. That's an extra hour of sleep in the morning and an extra two hours I get to spend with the kids.
I'm hoping that Trent continues to sleep the way that he does when I return to work. That would be awesome. He is just the sweetest little boy, and I am appreciating my time with him now. I know that he's going to grow up and next thing you know he will be two and I will be complaining about him the same way I complain about Chase.
When I think about parenting and some times I feel like I'm too harsh, then I think of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." I think there are two kind of reactions to the book. One, you read it and think that she was crazy and overbearing or you read it and you understand. Yes I think she is a little over the top. I don't think I have it in me to be that strict but I can relate to the Tiger Mom because that's the type of enviroment I was raised in. The thing is as an asian parent, you are so strict because you want what's best for them. Even if it meant they hated you in the process. I didn't understand growing up why my parents were overly strict. In some ways yes they were, but I think there aren't areas in which you pick and choose to be strict. Being strict is a committment. There's no half assing it. I appreciate them way more now for it and I understand where they were coming from.
So that's what I'm hoping for. That when Chase and Trent are older, they will understand that mom was so strict because I love them. That I love them so much in hopes they will grow up and succeed in life, striving to be the best then can be and to never settle for mediocre, that I am willing to sacrafice their love for me, maybe even hate me in the process..
